John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
