he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
