I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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