I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
