I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
