I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize