I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
