just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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