Screwed.edu
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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