i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
