Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
