Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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