Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
