Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
