I'm gonna have a badass scar
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
