I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
