I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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