I think my vagina is haunted
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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