I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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