I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
