oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize