and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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