I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
