what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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