is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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