I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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