I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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