I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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