Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize