I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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