if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize