listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
