I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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