i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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