Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i love accidental penises.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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