You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
