Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
