I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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