Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
