Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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