i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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