I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
