just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
