I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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