youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
