Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
