and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
