Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm both gender and math confused
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize