the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
