And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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