If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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