Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
