just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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