I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize