A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
