I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
