im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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