You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
