K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
