My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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