So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
