I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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