I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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