the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
