He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
